Winterson

I am too huge for love . No one, male or female, has ever dared to approach me. They are afraid to scale mountains. - Jeanette Winterson, Sexing the Cherry

So the latest in my reading buffet:

Sexing the Cherry and The Powerbook, both by Jeanette Winterson. You may be sensing a pattern here. I trust Winterson, as an author, to indulge me in the fantastical, if it be only in the manipulation of metaphor. But sometimes it is much simpler - sometimes she simply writes me:

"I have set off and found that there is no end to even the simplest journey of the mind. I begin, and straight away a hundred alternative routes present themselves. I choose one, no sooner begin, than a hundred more appear. Every time I try to narrow down my intent I expand it, and yet those straits and canals still lead me to the open sea, and then I realize how vast it all is, this matter of the mind."

While there are often false starts in what can only be called Winterson's faux narrative, you can never get too wrapped up in a particular "reality." I feel like that's more accurate to how we live live anyway -- all our narratives are made up, only attempts (some more feeble than others) to make the story of our lives make sense. Our lives are stories and it takes only a pen and paper to write them.

No Emotion is the Final One

"Reading makes immigrants of us all. It takes us away from our home, but more important, it finds homes for us everywhere." Jean Rhys


In the past few months I've rediscovered reading. Like most things I used to expect too much ... not of reading but of myself. I read or only wanted to read non-fiction books - books that promised to make me smarter. Books that when you mentioned them at gatherings people like myself thought, "Oh I don't know anything about that." But reading, much like running, needs to be a personal endeavor. The moment you start the comparison is the moment you lose the joy. This a hard fact for me to swallow - at least the part of me that is a competitor. But, I'm striving to do things more because I love them rather than because they help me compete...



"What could I do? My needlework teacher suffered from a problem of vision. She recognised things according to expectation and environment. If you were in a particular place, you expected to see particular things. Sheep and hills, sea and fish; if there was an elephant in the supermarket, she'd either not see it at all, or call it Mrs Jones and talk about fishcakes. But most likely, she'd do what most people do when confronted with something they don't understand: Panic."
- Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit


Read recently:
Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit - Jeanette Winterson
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides
Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World - Vicki Myron
Living History - Hillary Clinton

Einstein

"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things." -- Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein, a physicist (yes, I agree this is too narrow a definition), is often tied to his discoveries which are most rooted in science and cold logic. That is why it always seems most brilliant when I come across a quote, a picture, a moment where Mr. Einstein is lost in imagination, philosophy, and the grandeurs of life that often defy pure logicism. It's not that these things can't or don't coexist - but rarely does one person live simultaneusly in both worlds. The body and the mind - symbiotic - both driving the other to see more.

I hope that I can learn to draw on all parts of my sense to see and to know. We too often throw off ways of knowing simply because they are untested or unrecognized by others. I would love to trust all the bits of me - bodily/mentally/and otherwise.

But back to Einstein - I have often tied my happiness to people and at my more materialistic moments even to things. But I would like to try tying my life, my happiness to a goal.

What goal is worthy?

I am not made of paper. I refuse to build myself out of the black and white of textual production. I'm not some house of cards ready to fall.

Unfortunately, I can conceptualize negative. I understand what it is to be not.

I am a learner. In school, out of it, I can't stand the inertia that comes with not learning. I think it is this love of learning that has also made me so interested in teaching, sharing that joy.

So much of schooling is centered around knowing. And knowing has it's place. But I found that in graduate school that class became a place to show off the things you knew and highlight those who didn't. Very rarely was there substantive teaching or freedom to not know.

Starting Again

Movement is a medicine for creating change in a person's physical, emotional, and mental states. ~Carol Welch

Yesterday I began the 30 day journey that is Jillian Michaels, "Making the Cut." This is my second attempt at this program, the first time I completed 28 pretty flawless days and lost about 9lbs. It was great time and I got to do most of it with two other people. Jillian's workouts are tough, and when I first started I could barely get through the 5 circuit nightmare. She pairs the workout regimen with a pretty strict but manageable diet. I never felt hungry, but I often ran out of time to prepare.

This second trip is intended to be from yesterday until Christmas day with a week break while I'm home and on vacation from work. Then starting back up 1/4-1/19. I want to lose 9 lbs before the Superbowl. Five before Christmas, and 4 after. I will not completely quit working out during that week break, but I'm trying to be realistic about the affects of going home and being around my family for all that time.

Yesterday, I had a great workout, ate really well during the day, but had some emotional news last night that caused me to eat cookies and finish off my leftover Chinese food. So, a bit of a fail there. However, I choose to focus on the start of a great workout program... Today starts the diet (not as in eating less, but eating differently).

Day 1 Work Out:
Circuit 1:
Presses on Body Ball
Squats
Sprint

Circuit 2:
Plank
Push-Ups
Side Plank
Plank
Burpies
Sumo Squats
Sprint

Circuit 3:
Push-Ups
Squats
Shoulder Presses
Jump Rope

Circuit 4:
Bench Dips
Tricep Presses
Lunges
Mountain Climbers (ugh, kill me)
Boat Pose

Circuit 5:
Jump Rope
Bicycle Crunches
Extended Plank

The first time I did this workout, I thought I was going to die. Yesterday, I simply felt like I was going to throw up. So good improvement there. Today is Day 2, and will be just as hard. Gotta love the incline runs...

Rupture

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.” - Audre Lorde.

A little Audre to start the day because I have been so silent for so long. I'm there again, fighting the inertia that comes from letting the tawdry routine of life decide who I am. The more and more I start to realize that the redundancy of days is dictated by only myself, the more and more I can start creating something new.

More than ever I'm reminded of how much I let fear dictate my experience. I don't write, I don't read, I don't play because I fear that I will not be good enough. In this way I prohibit myself from becoming better. From getting to a place that I can begin creating days that don't run together. To a place where I can create a person I can stand living with. I rely too heavily on other people to make me into something interesting, worthy. The ultimate risk is believing I am worthwhile.

The hardest question to answer is What Do I Want to Become?

Goals:
1. Write letters regularly to my family.
2. Learn to eat for health, but still enjoy food that gives me pleasure in moderation.
3. Workout because I enjoy it. Workout to see what my body can accomplish. Quit thinking of my body as my enemy.
4. Join something competitive. Poker, Softball, Basketball, Pool, something to release my competitive nature.
5. Acknowledge my fear of trying things and still do it.
6. Improve my living environment. Make my home part of me instead of just a container for me.
7. Be inspired to do my job better. Get fired up.
8. Read one book every month.
9. Get involved in my community, volunteer.
10. Learn to cook a new meal each month.

8.13.09

Positive: I'm posting!

Do It Better: I need to be motivated by positive things, rather than negative. Like, I usually focus on how I'm not good at something, instead of all the work I'm doing to be better.

It's been another huge chunk of time since I posted. There are various reasons for that (moving out of my apartment, but having nowhere to move into...moving offices...being in the busiest time of year at work) but ultimately they are all excuses. Today was definitely a breaking point for me. It was another day of not eating enough during the day, being so hungry by dinner that I just went to the fastest place that could serve me food (McDonald's). I have eaten fast food and ice cream way too many times in the past two weeks.

So, I could focus on how bad I am or all the work I HAVE been doing. I've worked my ass off at the office. And today, even after eating McDonald's I worked up the energy to go workout. Considering it was my first workout in about a week and a half, I'm very proud of myself.

I'm hoping things slow down enough this weekend to game plan for the rest of the month. I want a firm plan in place with realistic goals. DC is out of the country until the 25th, and I want to feel good about myself when she comes back. I'm currently without a scale, so I'm not sure how much damage I've done or how much work I have to do....but I'm working on that.

Step one: Make a decision to be better.
Step two: Work out.
Step three: Start posting again!

I'm trying.